allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
