I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
