Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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