I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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