I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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