Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
