dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
