Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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