i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
