so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
