I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
