dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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