Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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