speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
