Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
