Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
