I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
