How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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