i may or may not be watching the land before time
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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