my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
