Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is it because I queefed?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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