as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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