I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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