I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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