Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
