All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
