If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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