when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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