FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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