just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
