In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
