Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
