Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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