I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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