K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
