she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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