About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
