I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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