I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
