It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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