it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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