so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
