She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
