make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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