I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
