She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
