Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
