Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
