Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
