If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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