you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
