I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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