Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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